Nightmare for family as umpire comes to stay

Young Toby Harrison's unusual hobby brought a nightmare for his unsuspecting family as a friendless umpire took advantage.

On this day in cricket, 13 February 1983

Eno releases ambient music classic - Music for Umpires

Ambient guru Brian Eno launched his new album Music for Umpires with a special play-back of the record in the Long Room at Lord's.

Former Roxy Music keyboardist Eno intends the album to be used as background music by umpires in their changing room whilst preparing for the day's play or relaxing after a hard day in the field.

Eno said: "Some people might think of it as just gentle drifting synthesised sounds but in reality I have carefully constructed minimalistic tones and harmonics on the cusp between melody and texture in order to connect directly with the subconscious inner psyche of your average working umpire. This hopefully creates a sense of personal inter-stasis in which the official can perform their duties on an elevated intellectual and spiritual plane."

The 40-minute album was played in its entirety to a room full of twenty first class umpires, with a mixed response. 11 fell asleep, 7 walked out, but the remaining 2 were suitably impressed. "I'll definitely buy it," said Don Oslear, "it will be ideal for when you're waiting on a baked potato."

"It could have done with a few more tunes but some of that musique d'ameublement really hits the spot," added Harold 'Dickie' Bird.


Pleasure and frustration: a weekend at the Umpire Inn

The first hotel in the world to cater specifically to the needs of cricket umpires has received mixed reviews from a group of elite umpires.


Cricket official couldn’t stop freak accident

A Hoggshire League cricket official has defended his decision to leave his wife in a dangerous situation.


Rule change ends 125 years of cricket history

Hoggshire league side Plague Moor are changing a club rule that has stood for over 125 years. But not everyone is happy about it.


Veteran cricket umpire interrogated

A sixty-seven year-old cricket umpire became the focus of an intense investigation when he claimed he could milk cats.


Marriage, me, and the RSPB

He was the golden boy of Hoggshire cricket at a time when regional greats abounded. These days Boris Gripper is a recovering addict in a viewless room at Green Fountain Sanatorium.


Umpire's ordeal is "no joke"

"It was a funny old day" for Hoggshire league umpire 'Boring' Norman Makepiece. A bizarre sequence of events left him questioning his sanity ... but even worse news was to follow. However, in a PDCC exclusive, we ask: is it all a terrible misunderstanding?
Hoggshire League
Live Scores
Horse Field
Verruca Bath under 12s

Rickets Wood
Summerisle Strollers

Fish Sands
Egg Thieves Rock

Nettles Green
Goats of Mendis Second X1

Leech Beck
Moth Meadow

Cannibal Caves
East Midden

Green Fountain under 14s
Rillington Place Third X1

Bramble Park
Tipside Tigers

West Crematorium
Trench Lice

Park Royal Pederasts
National Socialists

Kitten Sack Pond
Plague Moor

Hoggshire Cricket News
Twelfth man admits teasing fish
Girl in cellar was ' niece', wicketkeeper tells court
Umpire has matinee idol looks says sister
Club president swapped wife for a scratch card
Rioters criticised for sparing Oval
Search for "vanishing" tea-lady intensifies.
Kit Kat theft linked to tealady.
Umpire blows fortune on wishing well
Illingworth imposter stole soup.
' Player power ' blamed for umpire's death