News

Nightmare for family as umpire comes to stay

Young Toby Harrison's unusual hobby brought a nightmare for his unsuspecting family as a friendless umpire took advantage.
photo for this article

On this day in cricket, 17 September 2006

Prostitution allegations damage cricket’s reputation

A groundsman who offered ‘fertility help for mature women’ has been accused of soliciting for prostitution.
Lionel Thudd, 62, Head Groundsman at the Hunting Ground, home to Egg Thieves Rock CC, denies the allegations and has wasted little time in setting the record straight.
“I felt it was time to pass on some of the expertise I had acquired preparing Hoggshire League pitches over the last 45 years,” says Thudd. “Teaching seemed the logical platform.”
In doing so Thudd hoped that some of the classical soil improvement methods that have fallen out of favour in recent years would be saved from probable extinction.
"It troubles me that a lot of the traditions that had been handed down over the years are vanishing. Take shop bought organic fertilisers for instance. They are costly and ineffectual yet popular with the younger generation because no one has shown them the superior alternatives.
“All it took was a little help and encouragement for my students to appreciate the topographical advantages of using hand-killed wildlife blood and bone mixtures.”
The programme was a resounding success but it soon fell foul of local equality laws. Under pressure from the Council to increase female participation, Thudd commenced a recruitment campaign aimed at Hoggshire mothers and grandmothers (MAG’s).
His troubles began when he placed an advertisement in Bingo Weekly:
Fertility Clinic for Mature Women Only
Dry, barren, and nothing will grow?
Never been properly laid?
Expert with more than 40 years experience will take care of your bald patch
It was soon apparent that the new students had little interest in pitch preparation.
“A number of them arrived in their nighties but I didn’t think too much of it at first,” recalls Thudd. “The penny dropped when Edith Drabb turned up with a baby basket strapped to the front of her mobility scooter.”



Opinion

Pleasure and frustration: a weekend at the Umpire Inn

The first hotel in the world to cater specifically to the needs of cricket umpires has received mixed reviews from a group of elite umpires.

News

Cricket official couldn’t stop freak accident

A Hoggshire League cricket official has defended his decision to leave his wife in a dangerous situation.

News

Rule change ends 125 years of cricket history

Hoggshire league side Plague Moor are changing a club rule that has stood for over 125 years. But not everyone is happy about it.

News

Veteran cricket umpire interrogated

A sixty-seven year-old cricket umpire became the focus of an intense investigation when he claimed he could milk cats.

Features

Marriage, me, and the RSPB

He was the golden boy of Hoggshire cricket at a time when regional greats abounded. These days Boris Gripper is a recovering addict in a viewless room at Green Fountain Sanatorium.

News

Umpire's ordeal is "no joke"

"It was a funny old day" for Hoggshire league umpire 'Boring' Norman Makepiece. A bizarre sequence of events left him questioning his sanity ... but even worse news was to follow. However, in a PDCC exclusive, we ask: is it all a terrible misunderstanding?
Hoggshire League
Live Scores
East Midden
45-5
-v-
Green Fountain under 14s

Tipside Tigers
15
-v-
Plague Moor
4-5

Fish Sands
45-2
-v-
National Socialists

Verruca Bath under 12s
3-3
-v-
West Crematorium
2-8

Kitten Sack Pond
18-3
-v-
Summerisle Strollers

Egg Thieves Rock
13-3
-v-
Horse Field
8-0

Park Royal Pederasts
36
-v-
Moth Meadow

Rillington Place Third X1
42-7
-v-
Goats of Mendis Second X1

Bramble Park
32-0
-v-
Leech Beck

Cannibal Caves
10-0
-v-
Rickets Wood

Nettles Green
39-1
-v-
Trench Lice

Hoggshire Cricket News
Girl in cellar was ' niece', wicketkeeper tells court
Twelfth man admits teasing fish
Illingworth imposter stole soup.
Steward fined for saber tooth tiger hoax
Kit Kat theft linked to tealady.
' Player power ' blamed for umpire's death
Search for "vanishing" tea-lady intensifies.
Giant spider invasion leads to fixture pile-up
Groundsman stole palace worms claims royal aide
The ' crazy world ' of Arthur Brown